Today

Do you ever reflect? I'm not just referring to the good memories that are easy to revisit. I'm talking about the ones that pop up unexpectedly and you quickly make an attempt to occupy your mind in order to forget. Yesterday could have been that way for me. Today could be much the same. Okay here it goes. Today is an eight year anniversay for me. It is definitely not one that most would dare to write about. I think blogs can be deceptive that way. Sure I will post the pictures of my precious children. I will share all of the bright spots. You will be able to read about every wedding anniversary, every birthday, each family gathering. But this anniversary is different. This memory is not perfect. This post will not contain any snapshots.

Eight years ago today, I told my mother goodbye. She hugged me. She told me she loved me. I prayed with her, but I felt no emotion. My eyes did not well up with tears. I simply watched her go. That night I sat in a strange bed with my knees pulled up to my chest, my arms wrapped around them as if I were hugging myself. I saw no familiar faces. I did, however, read a familiar verse on the bulletin board above my bed. Matthew 11:28, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I let that verse sink in as much as it could. Like I said, I was completely emotionally numb. It had taken years for me to arrive at this place. That verse in Matthew would prove to be a lifeline for me. You see that place where I sat without anyone or anything familiar to me was in Arizona. It was my first night in a treatment facility for an eating disorder.

I have not revisited those memories in a longtime. There's just something about an anniversary, any anniversary, that can bring reflection. So here is what has occurred to me now. I live a blessed life. From having an amazing husband and two beautiful children, the details are endless when I count my blessings. Make no mistake, the situation in which I now find myself was also not reached by chance. I have also not been accompanied by luck or wishful thinking. The difference in today and eight years ago is simply the affect of the Lord's healing power in my life. I knew Him then and I know Him even better now. He has taken my very worst, most undesirable weaknesses and used them for His glory and my betterment. I brought Him bitterness and despair. He has given me joy and triumph. He did not see my pitiful state and cast me aside. Instead He walked with me thru some of the most difficult days and moments of my life and held me close during the process.

After experiencing the freedom of walking with the Lord, my everyday ordinary life doesn't seem quite so mundane anymore. Am I perfect? No. Do I live on a constant mountaintop? Absolutely not. I, however, have seen the goodness of the Lord and it only makes me want to seek after Him more. So today when I'm changing a diaper or washing a dish and I have one of those moments of reflection, I will be reminded of the Lord's faithfulness to me and count it a blessing to continue seeking after my gracious Savior.