On my heart to share with you all...

Taken September 27, 2009

(6th Anniversary)

I just turned 30. Whoa! Where did that come from? I thought that the leaving of your twenties only happened to others. Guess not.

There's something I want to do. I feel that it is a prompting of the Spirit.

I get so far behind on this bloggy thing. I have posts that are unpublished and contain now outdated photos. I'm yet to share pictures of Ellie Kate learning to ride her scooter that she got for her birthday...back in August.

Here's part of my problem. I'm an all or nothing type of person. If I don't feel that I can accurately compile photos with captions and stories, then I spend my small window of time on mine and Ross' computer just looking at everyone else's blog. Lately I haven't even kept up with the common posts. You know the 'here's our complete Christmas' post. Yeah, haven't even started on that one.

So instead of feeling as though I should play 'catch up', I'm just going to take this opportunity to make something as clear as I can.

Maybe it's the big 3-0. Maybe it's the beginning of a new year. Mostly, as previously mentioned, I think it's the prompting of the Spirit.

I really don't even know who looks at this blog. Mainly family, as well as friends from college, I would assume.

I know that the 'about me' section says that Ross is a pastor. I often include Christian quotes and poems. I make a determined effort to always point to the Lord's goodness and blessing in my life. The thing is I want whoever reads this to be sure of one thing; I love the Lord and I want anyone who stumbles across this here blog to feel as though they can know Him as well.

In other words, I want the implied relationship that I have with the Lord to be better explained.

As I type this, I am away with my husband for a week. A whole glorious week. Love my babies. Miss them. But an entire quiet week.

I surrendered my life to the Lord on July 12, 1997. I was a confused, rebellious, and somewhat angry 17 year old. I had attended church my whole life. Looking back there are so many evidences of the Lord's working in my early years. I was from a good, wholesome family. My parents are wonderful people.

Here's what happened. I read a book that talked about the reality of death. I was gripped with a sense of fear. I knew that if I believed what I had been taught and if I was truly surrendered to the Lord, then the subject of death would not be one of such discomfort.

I was in much rebellion. Looking back now, I can see that the Lord was beckoning me to Himself. After resistance on my part, I found myself knelt down next to my daybed on the night of July 12, 1997. I'm pretty sure I read John 3:16. Then I simply turned all that I knew of myself over to the Lord.

Best move I've ever made.

Since that surrender, I've experienced some of my happiest moments as well as some of my darkest days.

I've gone through rehab for an eating disorder. I'm now healthy.

I've battled depression. I now look forward to my tomorrows.

I've made mistakes. I've also been directed to make some wonderful decisions.

I married an amazingly wonderful, compassionate, and forgiving man. (Okay I'm tearing up.)

I've had two healthy pregnancies and deliveries. (I loved being pregnant.)

I never 'started my career on some fast track'. I get to be a mommy to my precious Ellie Kate and Emmett and that, to me, is priceless.

This is such a time of reflection. As I am in Kentucky this week with Ross, we have so much to think back on. We moved to Louisville after being married for only three months. We didn't know anyone. We found jobs, a church home, and we learned how to live since becoming one.

Those were wonderfully difficult times. I feel that those early days of marriage have a lot to do with where we are now. Sure we talk about the pizza we ordered and the parks that we took Bunny to (as she was often called a squirrel or rabbit). I can honestly say that I feel nearly as comfortable taking about the snapshots in my mind that didn't make it into the photo album to be displayed.

During some of those days, Ross experienced me firsthand as I battled or succumbed to depression. I remember him sitting on the bed with me as I cried. I couldn't even tell him why I felt the way that I did. He calmly and gently rubbed my back and sang a beautiful hymn to me. "I've seen it in the lightning, heard it in the thunder, and felt it in the rain. My Lord is near me all the time. My Lord is near me all the time." He told me later that he didn't know what to do so he just loved on me.

I know that is a very vulnerable moment to share. I do so because I want to be perceived as a real, approachable person. The joyous times that I share on here, usually accompanied by a smiling photo, are often in deep contrast to something experienced in my past.

Many of my own personal struggles and wounds have indeed been self inflicted. I'm just thankful that the Lord can handle those, too.

One of the main reasons I'm writing this is because of something that did not happen lately.

I had two opportunities to share Christ with people in my life. Not in my everyday life, but in my life. I turned down both of the privileges. I regret that. I've mourned those missed opportunities. I'm also trying to let God mold me through these times.

It is my desire that Ellie Kate and Emmett will have a mommy who readily shares the love of Jesus. I want it to be in their earliest memories.

The musings of my three year old are precious. She thinks that the people who attend our church actually live there. She thinks that we should call our child that we sponsor through Holt International, to see if he has a phone. (Did you catch that?) She says that he and his mommy can come to our church. (I promise to post very soon on our spiritual talk that we recently had.)

Let me try to bring this to a close. I'm rambling a bit...or a lot.

One of the things that brings me such joy and yet breaks my heart, is EK's innocence. It's beautiful. Unbiased. Untainted. Genuine. True. And I know that all along it will be shattered. Protect it as I will, she will not remain my three year old forever. And maybe that's why I desire to share with you (all five of you), that I'm real. Because maybe, just maybe, if I can be genuine in my own walk through life (if I can endure heartache, pain, disappointment, and setbacks with the knowledge that my Lord is ultimately the One in control and then as I try to be a wife, mother, and fulfill all other assigned roles in my life) Ellie Kate, along with anyone else in my path, will be pointed to Christ at every turn.

So anyway...if anyone out there needs to meet the God of all comfort and peace, then I will do my best to point you to Him.

If this is too public of a forum, then feel free to email me at amyjkilpatrick@yahoo.com.

If you have stuck with me through this entire post then props to you. Whew!

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)